When my clients tell me that men are threatened by their success, independence, strength or academic credentials, and that’s why they’re single, I know we have work to do.
There is some truth to this for some men. In fact, one recent US research study found that when a group of men were told they were about to meet a more intelligent woman, they distanced themselves more from her, tended to rate her as less attractive, and showed less desire to exchange contact information or plan a date with her. We can’t speak for all men of course, but it is safe to say that your accomplishments and success will be admired by a quality man as a “bonus” if he’s attracted to you. If you lead with your career, success, accomplishments, and strength in a way that is almost competitive, this isn’t sexy to him.
I discussed this with Dr Diana Welch recently. She’s a Love Scientist, and Dating Coach for both men and women, having authored 10 proven steps from I wish to I do. She advises women not to diminish their accomplishments or success, but to understand that a quality man wants to know you beyond those. You can adjust the information you lead with.
She applied this to her own dating life, after learning that men were initially hesitant to pursue her when they learned how accomplished and successful she was, studying for her PhD. Her dating life changed when she led with her personality, humour, feminine energy, strengths and high-value status instead. She married her husband six months after their first date.
The truth is, a thriving, intelligent woman doesn’t deter a confident, self-assured man with healthy self-esteem, and that’s the kind of man you want to meet. They are proud to be with intelligent, successful women, as long as he feels he’s admired and needed by her.
If you talk about not needing a man, the message to him is he is disposable, has no purpose in your life, and he, therefore, will conclude he has no place in it and will move on. A man needs to feel that he does matter in your life, and can provide and protect you in a way that makes you happy. Otherwise, there is no reason for him to be with you.
The key is to balance your strength, independence, accomplishments and success with your feminine side — soft and open to receiving love, which isn’t a weakness.
Ultimately relationship-minded men connect with women based on the way you love, experience, forgive, communicate, and enjoy life. He will react to how affectionate, warm and feminine you are, and how you express that. Your laughter, your smile, your way of relating — that’s what matters to them. They fall in love with the woman and the way she inspires them, with the true essence of her as a person.
Do they feel good about who they are around you? This is what I teach at my Skype coaching conversations (the first session is complimentary).