Am I giving too much away on the first date?
I recently panicked about being in my 30s (and single), so I decided to go on Tinder and get me some dates. That bit of the plan worked perfectly well and within a day or two, I had four dates lined up over two weeks. Score, I thought!
Chatting to the women on Tinder, I thought we were all looking for more or less the same thing. Dates with the potential of something more if, you know, we actually liked each other. But then I went on the dates, and one after the other, no matter how well or badly I had felt the date had gone, the communication fizzled into nothing within a few days.
Then one of them messaged me to apologise for not answering my last message before saying “You seem like a great guy, but I’m not sure I’m ready for a relationship.” To hell with it, I thought. I mean, yes, I had asked her out on a second date but I never mentioned a relationship!
Then I messaged one of the other three girls, and we got talking. I asked her if she wanted to meet again and she told me that “While you’re great, I’m looking at taking things slow.”
I was seriously confused at this point: at which point during our conversation had I mentioned relationships? I hadn’t. We talked about our first times and just how difficult it is to click with someone on a date. How could I have misjudged four perfectly pleasant dates? And then it hit me.
Somehow, at some point, something I said must have given off a whiff of ‘I really want to settle down.’ They had smelt the desperation.
And that’s when I realised what I had done wrong – not just with these four dates, but with practically all my dates. I had laid down the cards on the table; I had given too much away. They knew that, if the date went well, in my head, things would have turned serious. They had no reason to fear losing me or never seeing me again because they knew how available I was. And what’s the fun in that?
Mystery and a bit of trepidation are incredibly important; particularly at the beginning of a relationship. They give us some goals and make us want to work harder for what we potentially could not have. And I had taken that away from the equation.
So, in other words, go slow and easy!
What do you think of James’s argument?