I was educated at a boys’ school. My friends at home did not have sisters. My only female contacts were my mother, grandmothers and the mothers of friends, with whom I loved to chat.

I really knew nothing about girls my age, and even through my first marriage, I was puzzled by her mood changes and intense emotions. I’m sure most men suffer this lack of understanding to some extent or other.

We have the very simplistic notion that men have penis (lingam), while women have ‘nothing’. Women have breasts, men do not. How wrong this concept of nothingness is.

Male and female bodies are almost identical. Even most of the chromosomes are the same. Each has masculine and feminine characteristics, in some proportion. Visualise the strong masculine man holding his baby with tender loving care. Man is the rock or the fire, while woman is the water flowing around him. For man and woman to connect, man needs to show his strength and leadership, but also his softness and vulnerability. The woman needs to be able to trust him, and to feel his presence.

A woman is like a flower; she will open in the right conditions, both emotionally in her heart, and physically in her yoni (vulva). She will only open when she trusts and the man is truly present. Any other opening is mind fantasy, her expectations not being the same as the man.


We’ve all had some traumatic experiences or negative conditioning which we carry and have not released. For example, a person can’t trust their partner because their father left the mother, or had been unfaithful. They’ll be especially sensitive to any situation where they expect the same will happen to them, despite finding someone they can trust. They must realise this and be careful not to trigger their partner’s fears with some innocent connection with another. However, the troubled partner must also work on releasing this fear, or it can be like a cancer to the relationship. Let’s call this the shadow side. One cannot ignore the shadows, but must address them.

Why do some people, especially women, close up, go inside themselves and suffer from low self-esteem? It tends to be the cause of partners who are labelled as narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths who can spend a lifetime bringing down one or more partners, usually caused by something missing in their lives such as love and affection, or their only desire is to make themselves happy at the expense of others. From the outside, they usually appear as the good family man/wife or good citizen, but at home, they’re poison to a relationship, and their victims often don’t realise why they’re so unhappy and depressed.

When a partner is given love, encouragement, and freedom to develop their potential and real presence by a loving other, they’ll desire a slow touch. They’ll go anywhere. They’ll respond one hundred times more with love, and truly open themselves. The ‘nothing’ – the yoni, the temple – will open up to the loving energies and can bring unimaginable treasures to both.

Don’t try to mend each other, just be there for the both of you through those emotions you don’t understand. Just allow the safe space in your love where you can work through what the other needs to work through. Encourage each other to make art, to dance, to go to nature, to shout and scream, to attend workshops to release the issues they’re carrying, and hey, work on your issues as well. Why do you react to things the way you do? What do you need to release?


You’ll never understand everything. Just be more tolerant and be present in love. We find love and we lose love because we don’t know how to be in love and how to communicate with the partner. Understanding is a step towards fully appreciating the magic and unique gift of that other person in your life.