Throughout most of my life, I had a nose that many would diplomatically describe as Greco-Roman or French. Others, myself included, were a bit more colourful with their interpretation. My nose would come through the door before I did. My nose looked like an accident. My nose needed its own passport. You get the picture.
So at thirteen, I made the decision to have a rhinoplasty, and eleven years later, the monstrosity was finally fixed. Many of you will chide me for being so bitter about my past appearance. Well, throughout those years, many would often say to me, “Hux eh, your nose is fine. There’s nothing wrong with it.” Once I emerged with my new nose, it was all, “Well, it does look better now. You did actually need to have it fixed.” You bunch of hypocrites. But thank you for proving my point.
Image source: Hopkinsmedicine
So, to those of you who aren’t happy with your schnozs, I’m not going to be the one to say, “U le, you’re just paranoid! Be happy with who you are!” No, I’m going to be the one to pass on to you my plastic surgeon’s number and plenty of advice, namely because I’m a superficial individual with an unorthodox fetish for cosmetic surgery, and because it’s changed my life for the better. Here’s some advice if you’re contemplating a nose job:
A walk in the park – Believe me when I say waxing’s more painful. Not only is it a painless procedure, but it’s also one of the quickest jobs on the surgical menu. If I was in hospital at 5am, I was out by 6pm. It also only took me two days to have the packaging removed, and another five days for the cast. I was waltzing down Republic Street after a week of the operation. True, I was black and blue in the face and passers-by did a double take at the sight of me, but that was just a bit of impish fun from my part. The bruising vanished after two and a half weeks.
With the packaging in your nostrils, it’s like having a really bad cold for three days. That’s all. The most uncomfortable part for me was waking up to find a drip attached to me, and that’s only because I have a fear of needles. Luckily, the hospital was smart enough not to tell me I’d be having one, and you can also request sleeping gas prior to having the anaesthetic injected. Which brings me to my next point…
Ignorance is bliss – I found that the best way to brave cosmetic surgery is not to inform yourself on what actually happens. As soon as I had sat down in front my surgeon during my consultation, I said, “Do not give me a single detail. No ins-and-outs. Just do what you have to do and get this thing off my face.” To this day, I’ve no idea what goes on in that theatre, and I intend to keep it that way.
It’s all in the timing – It’s recommended that you have your nose job done over the winter period, as the cold weather helps you heal quicker, and having that cast on your face in the sweltering heat of summer will probably be hell. Also, having it done over the Christmas shut-down will save you from having to take time off work. Don’t worry, you’ll look right as rain by New Year’s Eve.
Hello, nurse – It’s also recommended that you have a carer sleeping in the same bed with you during your downtime. This is because it’s imperative that you don’t sleep or roll over onto your side during the night until the cast comes off, so you’ll need a spotter to keep you upright. No amount of pressure is to be applied to the area until all the packaging comes off. Also, prepare to be blind, as you won’t be allowed to wear specs or contact lenses.
It’s like Alien vs Predator – Perhaps I’m just weird, but having the packaging pulled out of my nostrils was awesome. It was like having worms yanked out of my brain. But please, it’s not as bad as it sounds and lasts a total of 5 seconds, so don’t be put off.
Image source: Hopkinsmedicine
It’s emotional – When my surgeon removed the cast to reveal the final product, I cried. It was so beautiful. A bit swollen, but so beautiful. I realised how different it felt when I bit down into a sandwich later that day and felt the newly grafted space between my upper lip and the tip of my nose. I cried a little more into my sandwich.
Solid as a rock – You won’t be able to wipe your nose like normal people do for the next six to eight months, because your nostrils and tip will be as stiff and tender as a board. So get used to cleaning up bogeys with cotton buds. It’ll also be a while until you’ll be able to get a blackhead extraction, as putting that kind of pressure on the area is dangerous and it feels like you’d be snapping it in half. So no extreme sports, no facials, no fisty cuffs, and duck every time a champagne bottle gets opened.
Have you had cosmetic surgery in the past? How was your experience?
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