Smashing the backdoors, up the Gary Glitter, uphill gardening and spearing the chocolate starfish…

The English language is blessed with a 1,001 ways to describe anal sex, but here’s what nobody tells you.

I’ve always believed that people should try everything at least once in their lifetime so, when, at the age of 24, my ex boyfriend turned me around halfway through our sexcapade and accidentally slipped it into my anus, I first shrieked and then told him to keep going.

I was still inexperienced in the ways of the world back then. All sex was good sex, and I was willing to go far to please the person I was with. So I tea-bagged while standing on my knees, had jizz pretty much everywhere, and did anal with a certain ejja ha mmorru attitude.

I was one of the lucky ones, though. I never had any accidents while having anal… But when I researched it, I was shocked to discover some very, very common things that can and probably will happen if you do…

It Hurts

Yes, this bit I actually discovered for myself… Don’t believe porn when they’re cowgirling or cowboying on a penis like it’s a goose feather-stuffed pillow. You have a rock-hard penis in your anus, which tightens automatically… It hurts.



Use Lube

This I didn’t know the first few times, but lube is so, so important to use when you’re packing the sausage through the backdoor. Slather it on his man meat, squeeze it onto your bum hole, and use abundant amounts of it before and during!



Prep Like Hell

I mentioned accidents before. Thankfully, I was blissfully unaware of this as it never happened to me, but whatever you do, PREP yourself for anal sex. Clean yourself thoroughly, and use an anal douche to clean yourself from the inside. You don’t want his sausage to come out covered in chocolate, do you?

Make Sure You’re Ready

Don’t have anal sex after a big meal. Don’t have anal sex when you’re constipated. Don’t have anal sex if you have diarrhoea. It seems obvious, but you don’t want to know what happens if you do it then…



It’s a Dangerous Sport

When you let the sausage dog peep through the black hole, strange things may happen… Like your anus ripping. That’s why lubrication is SO important. And, if you do have anal sex, and you feel super funny or in pain after, go to the doctor’s ASAP.



Be Safe (and Hygienic)

Always get the man to wear a condom when having sex. Firstly, if poop makes an appearance – and, turns out, it often does – it won’t get on his willy. Secondly, STIs can still be transferred this way. Thirdly, once you’re done from anal, he can simply change the condom and return to luxuriating your vagina. If he didn’t wear a condom, make sure he washes his pip with soap and warm water thoroughly before letting him anywhere near your lady parts – lest you want an infection.

Be in Control

Cowgirl or cowboy your way through anal sex, don’t doggy. That keeps you in control and allows you to enjoy it more.



So, there you have it. Anal sex is not all fun and games, but a good round of it can be magical!


What’s your take on anal sex?

Let us know in the comments section below!