When that football match scene from The IT Crowd went viral, scores of people must’ve applauded Maurice’s embodiment of their shared sentiments towards the beautiful game. In case you don’t know what we’re alluding to, here’s the clip:
Yes, dearest members of the non-loving football community. It’s that time of the year again, where those stupid neon shirts and the babble of incomprehensible sporting jargon permeates the air alongside the unbearable levels of humidity this season brings with it. It’s that time of year where, despite your many interests and adequate social skills, you’re made to feel like a lemon, simply because a group of grotesquely overpaid young men kicking a ball around doesn’t happen to be one of your specialist subjects.
It’s all right. You’re not alone. There are many of us, and what we’ve got to remember is that it’s okay. It’s okay to admit that you don’t like football. You don’t have to pretend to like it. That’s what’s nice about this whole diversity thing, you get to be yourself and all that. So don’t be afraid to show your true colours… which aren’t actually representative of a country’s flag.
Having said this, we can fully understand that this time isn’t the easiest period to get your social on. It’s the start of summer, exams are over and the days are longer. You’ve got your maxi dresses out and the crystal clear waters are begging you to form part of the glorious scenery. Only, you’re going to be the only one in a maxi dress looking overdressed, because everyone’s wearing those stupid neon shirts and has face paint all over. There isn’t a single venue that hasn’t jumped the capitalist bandwagon and plastered its walls with flags and football motifs. All of your conversations are going to be drowned by the commentator’s rant of gobbledegook, so engaging in intelligent banter is most definitely off the cards.
Bear in mind that it’s only for a month, and that all of this is a fluffy first world problem. You can find solace in the fact that the only thing you can relate to in terms of football are the political tensions that are surfacing because of the events. You can mull over that lucrative topic while you’re at the pub… on your own in a corner, playing Spider Solitaire on your phone while all the others randomly shout ‘DAI! GRANDE!” with their backs to you.
Here are our top tips for surviving this fanatical phase:
Embrace your me-time – Here’s a chance for you to explore the many pleasures of being alone in your space with your own thoughts. Your partner will probably want to watch the matches in a public place, so guess what, the TV’s all yours, as is that box set you’ve been dying to have a marathon of. Alternatively, you can make the most of the silence and read a book on a beach with the sunset serenading you.
Form a fellowship – As we’ve said, you’re not alone. Seek refuge with like-minded people who aren’t slaves to the game and have a barbecue. I mean, one of you’s bound to know how to light it…
Hibernate – Catch up on some sleep. Summer is four months long; there’ll be plenty of time to go out and own the night. Get some much needed rest before the final so that you’ll be fully charged to paint the town red once they’ve brought down the flags and put away those stupid neon shirts.
Go to the cinema – Have you seen the box office bad boys for this year? How have we not set up camp outside the cinema? Create a schedule for the entire month and head straight to the flicks as often as you can after work. Cinema theatres are sound-proof; no football chant can penetrate those walls.
Image source: Indiewire
Yes, you’ve got to be patient, but you can’t be selfish. If your friends do invite you to tag along though, do make an effort. It’s nice of them to offer, after all. I’m sure we can all spare 90 minutes plus of our time to watch admittedly very fit athletes dodging each other across a very big lawn. It’d all be quite tolerable, really… if it weren’t for those stupid neon shirts.
Image source: 90min