Did I push him over the edge? Did I turn her gay? Was it something I did? Nope, nope, nope! Keep calm, it’s not your fault. Really… It isn’t.

If there’s one thing we humans are innately built to feel is guilt. We feel guilty when we lie. We feel guilty when we make a mistake. We feel guilty when we screw ourselves over. We feel guilty when we do something wrong in the full knowledge that it is wrong. If you don’t, that’s when you’re labelled a psychopath.

However, there are some things which we shouldn’t feel guilty about – things that are so out of our control, so not in our hands, that we should just shrug them off and move on. And, if at any point in your life your ex does come out as gay, then that’s one of the times when you should definitely use this advice.

Hi, my name is Evelyn and I was once in a relationship with a man who recently came out as gay to his friends and family.

My first reaction, as you may assume, was disbelief. In a very Hollywood sort of way, I burst out laughing till I started crying. No, it’s not because I’m homophobic or because I think he’s taking the piss, but because this man used to worship me the same way most of us worship coffee. He couldn’t get enough. He wouldn’t stop holding my hand. At the age of 26, I was having make-out sessions that pretty much put those of teenage lovers to shame – and in public! And now he’s… gay?

But then I realised: While that man hadn’t been a part of my life for years, what he did still had an effect on me. Why was it so? Hadn’t I let go a long time ago?

So, I did what I do best. I researched what other people had to say about it. I asked around, and I took a trip down memory lane.


Photo via Flickr user Yağmur Adam


Memories lie – Yes, that man couldn’t get enough of me, but mostly when others were around. Yes, he was good in bed, but there was always a bit of distance between us once we were done. Are those signs that he knew back then? Probably? Who knows!

It’s not about you – When someone finds the courage to come out, even if he or she is your ex, don’t make it about you. We all have our own battles and demons. None of us are going to get out of life unscathed. I don’t like the fact that he didn’t tell me but, years later, I understand why he couldn’t.

It’s not your fault – People don’t become gay, they’re born gay. No matter how terrible, hateful or spiteful I could have been, I could have never changed it. And that’s what’s worse; I was on my best behaviour with him… And then it clicked: it’s not me, it’s him.

Let it go – Oh, Frozen, I never knew that horrid song my son kept forcing me to listen to would actually come back to haunt me. But, honestly, let it go. So what if your ex is gay? So what if they didn’t dig your genitals?… I’ve always wanted to write that… He or she is your ex for a reason, and as I do with most of my exes, I let them be without a care in the world.

So, if that happens to you too, please don’t blame yourself. Just be happy for them.


Have any of your exes ever come out as gay? Let us know in the comment section below.


More from Eve: Can men and women ever be just friends?