Dear Love Guru,
I’ve been married for 9 years and I’ve just had the shock of my life.
I recently saw a message from my husband’s ex girlfriend. I can honestly say that I had never expected this from him. He’s always been so respectful to me, although we have had bad moments throughout our marriage because of his fertility problems. Despite the support I’ve given him, he’s never accepted it, and he’s felt guilty for not being able to give me what I’ve always dreamed of.
When I confronted him about it, it was so difficult for him to admit to it. He said he was having some bad moments, and at the same time, his ex got in touch with him by sending him messages. She even went to his work place to chat with him and he felt good talking with her. He didn’t admit that there was more. He asked me to forgive him and said that he didn’t mean to hurt me. I felt really bad.
The day after, his ex called me to tell me that he’s a liar and that they’ve been flirting for about 4 years on and off. I didn’t really trust her at first, but she then sent me a copy of the messages that he had sent her, which included ‘I love you‘, ‘I miss you‘, ‘goodnight’ and other loving words. I was so confused. She told me that he was going through a bad patch and that he loved her, but he also told her that he’ll never end our marriage. I asked her a lot of questions, and eventually she confessed that they had sex together.
She said that when I had found her messages, he called her telling her that he never loved her and that he wanted to stop all contact with her. I then asked if they’d start a relationship if I left him, but she said that she doesn’t even want to see him any more. She had only called to give me this information because she cares for me. This is because I had known her well in the past when we used to work together before I had started my relationship. She had got jealous that he had chosen me over her. I told her that if she had really cared about me from Day 1, she wouldn’t have got in touch with my husband in the first place.
I didn’t tell my husband about this phone call, but I pushed him to admit to everything, but he kept saying that they’ve only been chatting.
I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him. He’s promised me that he’s blocked her number and he’s been feeling so guilty for what he did. He said that I need to trust him again. I’m now doing my best to put this story behind us, but I’m scared that he still hasn’t said the whole truth.
Sometimes I feel like telling him about the phone call, but I hold back because I’m afraid to hear the truth and I don’t want to give her the satisfaction, because she has ultimately ruined our marriage.
I’d like to know your opinion and I’d be grateful for some tips.
I’ve thought hard about your letter. Usually, when I reply to someone, I try to be as neutral and rational as possible, however I find that I cannot reply this time without letting some of my personal feelings come through.
You’ve discovered that your husband is a cheat and a liar. He’s been cheating on you for years, and what’s worse, when given the opportunity to tell the truth, he continued to lie again and again. If there had been no proof, I would’ve told you to trust your husband and not take this woman at face value. However, she’s shown you a number of texts where your husband has told her that he loves her and misses her, which is surely proof enough that he’s not faithful to you. Even if she was lying about their sexual encounters, a husband who writes that to another woman is, in my eyes, unfaithful.
Passing through difficult moments in a marriage or a relationship is not an excuse to start flirting with others or cheating. On the contrary, it’s these tough periods in our lives which show us whether a relationship is strong and true enough to get through them together as partners… or not.
Now, you feel like even though you want to put years of cheating and lying behind you, you cannot fully trust him again. Honestly, I don’t blame you at all. This was not a one night stand affair (which would not have been acceptable either) but a relationship which lasted for four long years, almost half of your married life. What’s worse, your husband never came clean and told you the whole truth, not even when you pressed him. Technically, he’s still lying to you. So, how can you trust him?
You don’t want to lose him because you love him, but consider this – did you even have him in the first place? There are only two courses possible here. You can either learn to live with someone you don’t trust, always suspecting him of being out and about with some other woman and lying about it. Or, you can come clean yourself and be honest, telling him about what you know and the proof you have. Remember, it is YOUR choice whether to continue the relationship or not, just as it is YOUR choice to decide what your priorities are. What’s more important, your love for your husband and routine day-to-day life, or your self respect while living a life free of tension and suspicion?
Whatever you decide, good luck!
The Love Guru