*Tina is a pseudonym.
Dear Love Guru,
I’ve been seeing this guy on and off since July. Sometimes we fade away, lessen contact and sometimes we speak every day and see each other often. I’m really in a place in my life where I never intended or wished to meet anyone. I had wanted to focus on myself, my own self esteem and my career. I know you can’t plan when a relationship will happen, but this hot and cold thing really makes me wonder if I should ask for all or nothing – either a relationship, something which I’m not even sure how I would react to, or nothing at all and just focus on myself. I really like him, care about him and might even start to love him. He was already a friend before this started, so I’ll definitely be seeing him around.
It’s almost impossible to plan a relationship. These things happen spontaneously and cannot be predicted. You like this person and enjoy his company, however you still feel that you might need to be free and focus more on yourself at this moment in time. First and foremost, do you think this could really become a stable relationship? There must be a reason why you’ve only been seeing each other on and off for such a long time, as most people who click tend to try and continue meeting up and dating regularly as much as possible. Maybe he too, like you, feels like he would prefer to be single, at least for now.
Have you tried talking about these emotions with him? The best thing would be for both of you to face your needs, fears and feelings, and decide which of the three courses to follow – either start the relationship, define the friendship, or continue with the status quo as it is, having relaxed fun together, but without ties and expectations. Whatever you do, the most important thing is to be open and honest with each other, in order for no one to get hurt.