Dear Love Guru,
My ex and I recently just got back together after 4 months of being separated because I moved to a new country. The first few weeks of us dating were amazing and we were already talking about our future, but then things took a turn.
I’ve discovered a new side to him, one which I don’t like. He’s become disrespectful and unappreciative. We always fight and I don’t know what to do.
I love him more than anything, but he’s not the person I had initially fallen in love with.
First of all, let me just say that from your letter, it’s not very clear whether you split up because you moved to another country and then got back together after you came back, or got back together after your move, meaning that at present you’re in a long distance relationship. In either case, distance seems to be involved in the issue, creating problems in the relationship.
Maintaining a good, healthy and communicative relationship is not easy. Doing so while the two partners cannot share their everyday experiences or meet regularly because they’re at such a distance from each other is even less so. Not everyone can make it work. Whether you’re meeting every day or not, it’s important to be honest with each other. That is something which is always relevant.
My advice is to take the first step and calmly and candidly tell your boyfriend how you feel. Explain that you think he’s changed as an individual and that he’s changed his behaviour towards you. It could be that he’s stressed or troubled about another reason, and yet his confusion is being reflected in the relationship too. In that case, it would be a good idea to make him aware of it. It could also be that something important has changed in his life, which is creating an impact on him as a person. Another idea would be to talk to his close friends or relatives, and ask whether your boyfriend’s behaviour has changed towards them as well, in order to understand whether you’re the only one perceiving this.
The issue could be part of the relationship itself. Sometimes one partner does not realise that there’s a problem, but the other does. This is why it’s important to communicate and be open about any issues. If your boyfriend continues to behave in this way and refuses to open up to you, then you must decide whether you can do something to change the situation yourself.