The difference between good kissers and bad kissers? Knowing what you’re doing wrong!
If I have to suffer through another bad kiss again, I’m going to have a break down.
I want the poetry that should come from two mouths merging together. I want sparks to fly and fireworks to go off and tides to rise and for life to stop as I indulge in a ten-minute snog that leaves me breathless, that makes my head spin, that makes me weak at the knees and that makes my libido shoot through the roof.
I want a kiss with tongue, for the other kisser to look me in the eyes, for them not to smash their teeth against mine or bite my lip so hard that I have to fake it to my mother – at forty plus years old, please note – that my friend’s baby banged its head against my mouth… You know?
But, rejoice, bad kissers, help is at hand.
Can you start slowly please? Kissing passionately may be all the rage at fourteen years old, but for the love of God, if I hear another man go ‘ahrup’ as he leans closer to vacuum my mouth one more time… Start gently, please! Remember, I need to use this mouth to eat and speak with the next day. So start slowly, then advance gradually.
Look me in the bloody eyes, you fool! Hey, mister. I’m not just a mouth, you know? Can you look me in the eyes and tell me all the things I want to hear without uttering a single word? Can you show me the world in the blink of an eye, or peer into my broken soul – after all these bad kisses, it’s in smithereens – and tell me it’s all going to be okay? Yes? Why, thank you!
No, I’m not tongue-wrestling you … You may have biceps the size of a house, but I talk all day and will always win a session of tongue wrestling. But I don’t want to win, and I don’t want to wrestle! Use your tongue to caress mine like it’s a long-lost friend and not beat it like it’s someone who’s just insulted your mother… Sheesh!
I’m not a slice of pizza… Please don’t bite me. Nibbling and biting are two completely different actions. Sure, you can nibble my ear or gently bite my lip, but do you really need to bite and pull my lower lip like a rabid dog every fifteen seconds?
A little more dedication would be appreciated. I’ve left men for watching TV while kissing me and I will do it again. Please, person I’m allowing to kiss me, if you don’t like it, say it. I’m a big girl and I can take it.
Now. Go forth and kiss.
What do you think of Evelyn’s advice? Do you have any other tips?
We’d love to know!