Dear Love Guru,
I was in a relationship with this guy for a year and we broke up just a short while ago. During our relationship we had quite a lot of issues to get through together but we loved each other a lot. He was my first love and the first guy that I had ever spent this long with.
I had some pretty bad experiences in my relationships before him and he was the first one who ever loved me for who I am and who made me feel good about myself.
But just after we hit our one-year mark, suddenly he wasn’t happy anymore. The baggage in our relationship took a toll on him and he broke it off. I’ve been finding it really difficult to start to move on because this came out of nowhere for me, and I love him. I feel like he just bailed on me and didn’t give us a chance to try to sort things out.
I think we had a pretty strong relationship, we went through a lot of life-changing events together, and even when he ended it, he was upset that he was feeling that way but felt that it was the right thing to do. It was a very healthy break up.
I’m feeling stuck because I still love him and I still want to be with him, I know I have to move on, but I can’t get myself to let him go so easily. I want to fight for the relationship but I know that I’m going to be the only one fighting.
I know that eventually I will move on, I just can’t stand the thought of him being with anyone else, or myself being with someone else.Please help, Ms S.
Dear Ms S,
Break-ups are never easy, be they, as you say, ‘healthy’, or not. Screaming and shouting at someone or talking things through with them calmly usually end up having the same conclusion – that is, leaving behind feelings of sadness, loss, bitterness and confusion. You can try to rationalise it, but in the end, feelings and emotions cannot be classified.
You seem to be perfectly sure that your ex does not want to get back together. You said that he broke off the relationship without any warning. However, that is very unlikely, since you know that he loved you, even though you went through a lot together. Probably, he had been thinking about it for some time and came to that conclusion after thinking it through. However, he seems to have hidden his insecurities and doubts pretty well, so well in fact, that you did not notice anything until he told you himself. It is normal for you to feel so astonished, confused and adrift, since you didn’t see it coming and so could not really assimilate what was happening. In this case, you definitely need closure.
First of all, be sure not to start anything new with anyone else until you get over this emotional hurdle. One night stands don’t really help if you are trying to fill in that certain emptiness and it certainly wouldn’t be fair to give false hopes and dreams to someone else, while you are still in mourning for your ex. My advice would be to try and talk to your ex about what happened. Tell him you need to understand what went wrong, in order for you to be at peace with yourself and in order to be sure the same thing does not happen with anyone else.
Our first love is always the one which hurts us the most, if it fails. I will not say the hurt will be gone soon, or that it will ever leave you perhaps, but with time as you evolve and grow, you will be able to learn from it and become a better and stronger individual.
Take your time. Be yourself. Let go of the past, and when you are ready to move on, do so, knowing that you have experienced something beautiful and that although it ended, you became a better and stronger person as a result of it.