One of the most common traps certain singletons cannot seem to overcome in our society, is the so-called ‘friend-zone’. The friend-zone is a situation where an intellectual and emotional friendship between two members of the opposite sex (or the same sex when the persons are gay) changes when one of the persons in the friendship wants more and yet the other person does not change. Another definition of the friend zone could be that of a failed relationship attempt, where the girl tells the guy (or vice versa) that she prefers for them to remain in a platonic relationship, as she does not want to ruin their friendship.
So – what does this mean?
I am going to go for the girl’s perspective here, as, obviously, it is easier for me. Imagine, you are single and close friends with a good looking, smart, kind guy and yet even though you would like a relationship and he wants one with you, you still do not feel comfortable entering into a more serious commitment with him. Why?
Looks and sexual appeal aside, certain guys really seem to be stuck in this friend-zone issue, over and over again with different girls, no matter what they do. While looking good on paper; that is, having a responsible job, good education, a stable background, etc, they still cannot find a girlfriend – they just have many girl friends and they cannot understand what they are doing wrong.
Here are some observations I have made throughout my experiences as a singleton, and some perceived reasons why girls tend to shove certain guys, no matter how attentive and good looking, into the friend-zone.
They try too hard – when a guy puts you on a pedestal, does whatever you want before you even say anything, continuously asks all your friends whether you like him or not, messages, emails and calls incessantly. He seems to almost lose all kinds of self-respect in order to get you. This may sound like the ideal boyfriend… believe me it’s not. Girls want someone with a personality not a needy puppy. This may seem harsh, but it’s so true.
Low self-esteem – this may lead to insecurity, bouts of jealousy and tantrums. A girl smells this kind of attitude from miles away, and obviously keeps clear. If someone behaves like that while he’s just a friend with a crush, how much worse will he be once he’s an actual boyfriend?
Drama Queen – some guys just want an audience. They do not really want a girlfriend per se, apart from maybe using her as a status symbol. What they really want is a side-kick, someone who’s always there looking at them adoringly, hearing their whining and commiserating with them over every teensy thing. A definite no-no for most girls.
The X-Syndrome – I’m sure most of you are unfortunately aware of this one. The guy can’t seem to get over a past relationship, keeps comparing every girl to his ex, lumps what he sees as ‘female-behaviour’ with whatever faults his ex had, and spends all his time remembering memories and mistakes. Obviously, this just drives prospective future girlfriends away.
Immaturity – this is a common issue in guys of a certain age, particularly if they are still students. It is hard enough getting to know a fully formed person, but it is totally impossible to learn how to get along with someone who does not even know who he is and what he wants, himself.
Too agreeable – this may seem unreasonable, but it really isn’t when you think about it. Imagine someone who, instead of being honest with you, glossed over and omitted certain facts about himself, just because he knew they were not to your liking. Imagine him lying about his past, or even his present, in order to appear pristine and perfect. Basically, perfection does not exist and if a person appears without fault and too good to be true, he usually isn’t.
Too afraid – sometimes, the fear of rejection can be so intense, that certain people continue putting off making an actual move or showing another person that they are interested. What usually happens in these cases is that the girl thinks the guy in question sees her only as a friend himself, mentally crosses him out as boyfriend material and starts looking somewhere else, even though she might be interested in him too. Mr Shy Guy, sometimes you have gotta get a move on and show a girl what you really feel!
Nothing to do with you – sometimes it is just bad luck. Maybe you are analysing things too much and the two or three girls you have liked and tried to go out with lately, have just not been ready for any kind of commitment due to their own personal issues.
Obviously, neither relationships, nor friendships, can be easily labelled and classified. Each is one of a kind as it involves different individuals and situations. Also, one must keep in mind that the list above could be attributed to girls who feel that they are always left in the friend-zone, and not just guys. I merely wrote it from my perspective and mentioned things that I have previously encountered.
Have you ever been relegated to the ‘friend-zone’ or left another person there? And if so, what were your reasons?