My problem is that I am a 26 year old female and I’ve been in two major relationships in my life, both of which sank deep. Now, I am with a man who has been my very close friend for about three years. About six months ago, we started going out together. This guy is so very nice and shows me respect like no-one has before. The problem is in my head and I am constantly worrying that it is not going to last.
He hasn’t shown interest in me like he used to before.
I have a trust issue problem which also haunted me in my other two relationships. I want to know whether it is just in my head or if there something to it. There is a quote saying that if you feel something’s wrong it usually is, but I pretty much make a big deal out of nothing. I know he loves me as a person but I don’t think that he is in love with me as he was in other past relationships. I was his bestie for three years so I know how he used to talk about past girlfriends, I just don’t feel that passion towards me. I just don’t know. I think I need some expert advice.
I feel as if you are mentioning more than one issue here. Firstly, you say you have a trust issue, which had been a problem in other relationships, as well. Secondly, you feel as though your partner does not feel the same depth of emotion for you as he felt for his ex girlfriends. Thirdly, you feel like there is something wrong with the relationship and that it cannot last.
So, first of all, you must do a little introspection in order to understand where your trust issues come from. You are aware of them, and you know that it is a long-term problem which has nothing to do with this particular partner as such. Therefore, it is imperative for you to tackle this problem first on your own, and then, if needed, with your boyfriend. Try and think back to your past – when did these trust issues start? Did you have a bad experience the first time you fell in love, perhaps? Maybe since then, you have always been afraid that the same thing would happen again in all your relationships. Or does the issue stem from something else?
Secondly, regarding your partner’s ex’s, remember that when he used to talk to you about them, as a friend, he was treating you like a neutral third party and venting all his frustrations and passions he felt for them at you. Now, YOU are the focus of those feelings, therefore he cannot see you as a neutral person, any more. The feelings concern you particularly, so of course he cannot talk objectively to you about them!
Thirdly, you feel like there is something wrong. Ask yourself this, in your letter you write that he loves you and respects you, but you do not say what you feel towards him. Do you really love him or is it only friendship? Friendship and lust are not enough for a lifelong relationship, so if you feel like there is something missing from your end, it would be a good idea to be honest with your boyfriend and ask him whether he feels this lack too.
Remember, communication is the most important element in a relationship. Do not be afraid to be truthful to your partner.
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