Social media or intimacy

© Curi Hyvrard/Corbis

I am not knocking Facebook. (or other social networking sites). It is a tremendous tool, when used wisely. Just don’t ask me to play the games, please. I have better things to do with my time in the real world.

Seriously, it is so easy to make our social life virtual. We can develop beautiful friendships, and get to know people we would otherwise never meet. The next step is to meet them face to face, and that is rare but usually such fun.

Are we losing our real lives to our virtual worlds? A friend posted this about a trip to Paris with her fiancée.

“Beautiful moments shared and precious memories created. Best moments of all, just blissfully being together – no phones, no laptops, just us being us.”

Now what if we all could experience that, every evening and morning or even three or four times a week, instead of just an occasional special holiday, if we are lucky?

Women in particular tell me about their love lives, or more likely their frustrations. “Twenty years ago we were already sleeping in separate beds. My husband did not touch me and said ‘beds are for sleeping in’. Finally I plucked up the courage to leave him… I should have left him years ago.”

“I lie alone in our double bed at night. I don’t even get a hug or a goodnight kiss before we go to sleep.”

And a male comment. “I fathered seven children and now they are her total interest, but she is happy to have the financial support, leaving me free to live my separate life.”

Texting and Facebook are great distractions to avoid the real issues. Usually one of the partners is just not interested in sex, or worse, in having any physical contact.

Mostly this stems from conditioning, guilt, ‘sex is a sin’, or from the bad experiences of older generations, ‘don’t expect sex to be enjoyable…. it is just what you have to do sometimes’.

So what happens when we come home after an evening out, or a party, do we ignore each other by going into sites like Facebook, or do we agree to disconnect sometimes from the outside world and find intimacy and create blissful moments together?

In the morning do we wake, and immediately go online, or do we touch our partner, and make love, or at least give our presence to our partner?

Disconnection exists in so many relationships. In many cases there is not honesty either. We are generally afraid to open up with our true feelings because we anticipate, or fear, some disapproval or rejection. It is little wonder that so many people seek outside what they don’t get in their relationship, to fulfil unsatisfied needs and desires.

With the right partner and the right connection, it is all there waiting to be enjoyed on a daily basis.

If it is not happening, have the courage to discuss the issues, and suggest some times when you will be ‘present’ for each other and turn off the social media and mobile phone connections. Also, you may want to seek help to re-ignite the fire, from a Relationship Coach, preferably together.