Closure by grieving

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At the end of a significant and intimate relationship it is common that one of the partners has anger or pain. This will be aimed at the other partner, but others will be caught up in this negative energy too – family, friends, work colleagues and especially children from the relationship.

It is hard for children (whether 7 or 22 years old) to see their parents parting, but if an amicable connection remains, with positive energies, then the impact is reduced.

On the other hand, when one of the partners keeps blaming and criticising the other, even telling the children or friends how wrong the other is, then children and friends will take sides. This is caustic and damaging regardless of the real causes and that the love they once had for each other has turned to hatred. It reflects that the partner who feels wounded is clinging to the anger and pain and does not know how to release it. The aggrieved partner is usually unable to accept any responsibility for the break-up, but there are two sides to each story.

Worse still, that partner does not recognise the need to grieve and let go, or that he/she may need professional help. It can be likened to dragging a weight around all the time instead of walking free.

So months, and even years, after the break-up, the pain and anger remains, triggered by the slightest thing.

Sometimes one partner has to give up the other and make choices. Timing may be wrong for a relationship to be possible. Some relationships are just complicated. The result can be suppression of the pain with a barrier of silence, and disconnection. The pain in the heart did not heal. It was just blocked out, to allow the alternative choice. There was no reason to disconnect two hearts except for outside circumstances.

Until the pain and anger are recognised – and dealt with by grieving the loss and truly letting go – the person will be carrying it like excess baggage, being angry, negative, sarcastic or just closed, and at worst it will affect all those around.