Torn Between Two Lovers

I Don’t Know Whom To Choose 

I’m in a pretty bad situation… I’m in a relationship at the moment, we’ve been together for over 1.5 years. The problem is that I’ve never lost contact with my ex… and I still love him. He’s realised what he lost and wants to give it another go. I’m confused because I don’t want to hurt my current bf but the problem is that I don’t want to lose my ex as I really have a better, stronger bond with him. Please help? What can I do? :( Thanks!

Dear Sheila,

It sounds like you’re in a right old pickle, Torn Between Two Lovers…

You care for both these men but you feel that you have a decision to make and one of them or yourself will be hurt or disappointed at the very least. Well, being undecided is hurting you right now so the option not to take a decision must go for your serenity’s sake first of all.

Sometimes it is hard to completely let go when we’ve loved someone even though the relationship ends. It is possible to still love a person and let go. This doesn’t seem to be the case, however.

A decision must be made also out of respect for your current boyfriend. It is hard to develop a strong bond with him anyway when so much of your energy is being invested in your ex. A nostalgic pang every now and then, or a fond memory popping up occasionally can be your private secret, but if you’re still in love with your ex… here are some things to consider.

Timing. Two people may be made for each other and it may feel like you’ve met your soul mate. You are drawn together inexplicably. But sometimes one may be ready for a relationship, or a certain level of commitment, and the other not yet. Maybe he/she would still have personal issues to deal with before opening up to the other. It may take one partner longer to come to terms with his/her emotions. The other may hold out hope, or lose it and resign herself to the situation deciding to move on.  It depends on what is important to you and what life throws at you, too.

You mention having a strong bond with your ex. Is this chemistry on more than one level? Or is it only physical? What about his personality, is it compatible with yours, do you admire him? Can you live with the expectations you have of each other? If you want to start a family would he be a good parent? It depends on what you want from your relationships.

Look out for the common ex habit of coming back when they see you with another. Sometimes it truly works as a wake-up call, but sometimes it is just a matter of possessiveness and as surely as they’ve come to their senses they leave them, along with you, behind when it fizzles out. Or when the same reasons that caused you to break up in the first place are still there.

You may want to try picturing yourself in old age looking back at your life, looking back at this situation with the different outcomes that may come of it – what would make you proud?

Good luck with your decision and once you do decide, embrace it whole-heartedly – no more doubts and no regrets!

What’s your opinion?  Comment in the box below.