Dear Love Guru,
I really need an opinion from an outsiders point of view and would really appreciate your thoughts.
I have very recently broken free from a four year relationship. It was a good relationship and I am absolutely, positively sure that I will never find a respectful person as much as my partner was. However, he is also a very serious person and our definition of ‘fun’ is not even close to being alike. As a consequence we tend to argue on every little single thing, and whilst I admit that my temper is not the best, I know as well that we are just too different. The little things that make us great are amazing, but these arguments and lack of enjoying time together has just started to overtake these little things.
I’ve tried to talk about how I’d like us to do more things together but if he doesn’t refuse to do it, he’ll just show that he’s not enjoying doing it, which just ruins it anyway.
I can’t understand how I miss him, when all I wanted to do was be somewhere else when I was with him. Since we also used to hang out with his group of friends, I am now wondering whether it is him, his friends or the safe routine which I was in that I miss the most.
…how do I figure it out before it being too late for us to get back together? I really in need of a new point of view… Thanks.
This is not an uncommon problem. Being heart-broken and going through all the changes that come with a break-up certainly doesn’t make thinking clearly easy. Obviously, you are bound to miss your boyfriend of four years, even had he not been so respectful, let alone when you hold such a high opinion of him! And, yes, it is important to clarify whether you are regretting breaking up with him or whether you are missing the life-style and stability that comes with a pleasant relationship.
Adapting to change will take some time. Sometimes we get an inner urge for change because we need to learn new lessons from new experiences as we go through life – but be warned that it is not necessarily a change for the better or that it will be an easy walk in the park, even though it may be essential for your growth. But then it all depends on what you make of it. Having a positive outlook is obviously more conducive to happiness.
If you decide that you do not want to lose him, you should consider being more independent within the relationship while focussing on what you actually like about him. It works for many couples but it depends on the level of closeness you need from your partner to feel emotionally and romantically fulfilled – and how much both of you are willing to compromise while being faithful to the relationship. Of course, if he had his own interests, that he can do alone or with friends, that would help make it work without him feeling neglected.
Perhaps finding some middle-ground will do the trick. You may have to moderate your urge for ‘fun’ but definitely do not neglect it. You don’t want your inner light to dim and kill your life-force – you won’t have much to bring to the relationship anyway if that happens!
An other thing worth considering is your inner peace whether you are in a relationship or not. Sometimes we have personal issues that we tend to mix up with relationship problems. So think about that to rule it out or do something about it rather than end a good relationship.
Otherwise, relationship counselling might be able to help you in your dilemma, you don’t have to be married to seek this kind of help. Good luck!