I would like some advice. I’ve been with my fiancé for 2 years. I am a very negative person and a very caring person. This is effecting my relationship quite a bit. I have a past experience of a relationship in which I’ve been through a lot as I’ve been domestically abused and I can’t clear my mind of it. Currently I am very nervous and think badly about my boyfriend, suspecting that he is with somebody else, that sort of thing. I want to save my relationship but I really don’t know where to start and what to do. The only thing I know is that I need to forget the past and get to know myself.
Your thinking is spot-on. It seems you already know what is best for you. Getting to know yourself and resolving your traumatic past experiences are surely the right steps to take to safeguard your new relationship.
First of all, you are not a negative person – you certainly don’t sound like one! (Are these your own thoughts or has someone else labelled you as negative?)
You are not wallowing in self-pity, or you are past it, because you seem determined to grab the bull by the horns and do the work.
It is only the consequences of the abuse you’ve experienced that is making you react to your fiancé negatively. It is NOT who you are.
You already have an awareness as to where the problem is arising from. So you have already passed the first hurdle.
Your self-esteem may have suffered due to the abuse which would cause you to feel insecure. However, getting to know yourself will help to build your self-confidence and not transfer your insecurities on to your fiancé, if that is what you think is happening.
Rather than forget the past, it’s more constructive to face it when the time is right – try to understand where it stemmed from and find acceptance. If you can make your peace with it, you will loosen the hold your past experiences have on your present opportunities. When you are at this point ask yourself – what is the lesson, ‘the gift’ you have come away with from all that trauma? How have you grown from it so that it is benefiting you now?
There are several ways to achieve this. One is to write a letter pouring your heart out to who hurt you (can be more than one person so write a letter to each one). It does not have to be fancy and might even sound childlike, it doesn’t matter so long as you thoroughly express yourself. It might bring up feelings that are hard to deal with so take your time with it, you can do it over several days if you need to. When you are done burn the letter safely or flush it down a toilet, keeping in mind that this is symbolic of you cleansing yourself from your past, releasing the negativity with regards to the person you wrote the letter to.
As simple as it seems you will be surprised how effective it is.
If you feel it is not enough, you may want to combine it with professional help. Cana Movement (tel: 21238942) offer counselling services at a donation, Agenzija Appogg (tel: 22959000) offer support to people who suffer/ed domestic violence, or else you can call the national freephone helpline by phoning 179 for immediate support and they can also refer you to social service agencies.
If you have already tried counselling, looking at therapies that work with energy, such as Bodytalk or homeopathy, which can unblock heavy energy that is keeping you ‘stuck’, will help you break negative patterns on other levels besides the mental level.
I hope this makes the path to resolving your issues a little bit smoother and that you’ll find the happiness you deserve.