Compensating Behaviour


Some children are born without a touch from their mother, or experience trauma at birth, especially if they are delivered un-naturally by Caesarian Section. Some spend childhood in an unloving home, without hugs, or stimulation, or feel second best as they see that a sibling is the favourite. These situations can lead to the person being closed, or frustrated, or with low self-esteem. Some try to be perfect to win the love of a parent, and develop the habit of Perfectionism which they never release. They were only loved when they were perfect, and they expect others to be the same and find it hard to let someone become close to them.

They may criticise, they may hide their feelings, and many find it hard to have an intimate relationship, even to kiss on the lips, as they have no experience of how a good loving relationship can be.

Some adults live in relationships without physical love, touch, intimacy or sex. These scenarios can all lead towards compensating and sometimes obsessive behaviour. A man or woman in a non-intimate relationship may become a workaholic to find satisfaction and fulfilment to compensate for what is missing at home.

Many couples are practical convenience partners, they lack the core of an intimate, deep or sexual relationship, but the “package” of being with a partner, is accepted as a practical compromise, a working relationship, with or without love. Each uses the other for what they need. Often one knows that something better lies beyond, but stays.

It takes courage and a leap of faith to drop the self-protecting armour and become vulnerable to receive love and intimacy.