Here I am EVE readers writing this article after a fab Friday night out with my gfs and MZ. In dire need of caffeine IV whilst my gfs are fast asleep…fair enough..I did get home at 5AM and woke up at 7AM since I have hospital Saturday duties that need attending to..(listening to Breathe_2AM by Anna Nalick)

So a random Friday night out with no real agenda except I had to attend 3 social events all in one night. GVZ ensured we’d go since I did for a while fathom the thought of giving Friday night a total miss and stay home studying, watching Grey’s Anatomy Season 9 Episode 12 especially since I was duty the next day. But GVZ’s comment did convince me to start showering and pin myself up and live Friday night after a hard weeks work.


OF COURSE! It was a night to remember. It was magical…maybe not the ‘and they lived happily ever after’ but still…SPECIAL. This is what you will always be to me MR HONDA…SPECIAL!

Ok so let me step back and chronologically take you through my 3rd social event of Friday night – a private birthday party at Streat, Valletta. As I settle inside Streat and start becoming aware of the many familiar faces that surround me….there HE is…and suddenly a fun night out takes on another dimension (GVZ thank you for convincing me to exit my Sliema apartment!).

(listening to Thousand Years by Christina Perri)

So there he was and there I was. Instantly he is aware of my existence and comes up to me. Now the history of Mr Honda was way back in November on a random night out at Charles Grech, Valletta where we just hit it off even before the word GO. So so so so nice in every way and his mark was his excellent command of the English language and the care, attention, affection etc. But since then no more encounters….I guess it wasn’t meant to be (still trying to convince myself on this last point but hey whatever, whenever, wherever hehe). Sorry guys I’m not a lol generation I’m a hehe..33 year old girl!

So we say hi and he asks how I have been etc but to my dismay there is something different between me and Mr Honda. What it was at that point I couldn’t decipher but I felt there was something. I may be blunt and absurdly honest but I am an extremely sensitive and social intelligent XX homo sapiens. So yes there was something not quite ok between us. Even when he asks how I am I can’t get myself to speak and the problem is mutual. He does hang around me for a while but I leave his presence and he is left with my absence.

Then we spend the next couple of hours looking at each other, him especially, as I am told by CG (nothing escapes CG – my sharp gf you are!) but when we do try to approach each other we both withdraw and get lost in the company of others whilst still checking each other out.

Now here is the turning point of the night EVE readers and this is when I thought to myself…here goes my next article. As I will always say my articles are lived, loved, hated, cried, gasped, marked on my very own olive skin! GVZ (one of most closest gfs – she is the one who knows me inside out and understands me and finishes off my sentences and realises that although I’m saying one thing I would be feeling the exact opposite! Plus we have similar idiosyncrasies that, EVE girls, I cannot tell you here cause they are too random! hehe)

Anyway GVZ (a very good friend of Mr X) comes near me and tells me Clar what’s wrong why aren’t you talking to him? He told me that you have been giving him these dagger looks from the start and he can’t think of any way he offended you etc. Clar go and speak to him. Now this is it, I’m outgoing, outspoken, uninhibited with no alcohol percentage in my system, yet when faced with this I couldn’t get myself to go near him to iron out any matters between us (to be honest I never knew that there were any matters really..but anyway…the only thing I could think of is me and Mr X on that random November night…they like each other but thereafter girl likes boy but boy doesn’t..simple math).

(listening to Mountains by Emeli Sande)

As I’m trying to figure out to bring myself in Mr X’s axis CG grabs me and says OMG you like him so so so much that you’re actually shy to go up to him! Come on Clar go…but I can’t. I talk to other people who always bring a feel good factor…3 GO guys…excellent guys! Then he passes by me and we get talking but still something is on…this other girl joins the conversation (not one of my favourite female specimens…but hey what to do…and she actually provided an excellent ice breaker between me and Mr X)…because in reality what she did was bring us closer…a place we were both used to being and which came naturally to both of us.

Then he became the boy I liked in November passing such a sweet comment about me and he swept me off my feet in that ever special way that he always did with me from meeting each other at 0.1 of a second! His comment:

‘How can I not like her…niggusta wisq…how can I not…she’s funny etc…’

Then he asks me to join him outside for his nicotine refill, and he was always like that, reading me with such ease just like that November night with him. I was in fact thinking of when in November we stayed outside alone me and him, him and me talking, teasing each other, flirting, being affectionate, being kind, being charming, being considerate, being just us! And as I was thinking of all this he asks for a replay. I hesitate but I have no choice CG and GVZ are monitoring me closely so I have to go.

When I exit the fresh air outside is a relief from the stuffiness inside the bar. Yet again I distance myself from him and sit on a chair a little distance away from him. He follows as if he was attached to me. A couple whom we both know leave and we are left alone. SILENCE.

(listening to Suitcase by Emeli Sande – the song that depicts my 30.6.12 break-up from PAB … “if you must kill me at least please tell me why”…nice…not – at all – but so be it…)

So different from that November night when we were outside sitting down in a Valletta street. Then he speaks and this is where I think to myself that hey so I was right Mr X has issues with me!

(listening to Breaking the Law by Emeli Sande)

He breaks our silence by ‘can I speak to you?’ And I was sitting there thinking I know this statement from somewhere, this is that loathed statement when my bf wants to pack, leave and never come back. But Mr X doesn’t even know I like him…right? So where is this coming from.

(Distance by Christina Perri)

Then he says Clarissa you know I like you etc but I have to tell you…not that I am assuming anything etc but I have a girlfriend and her name is ANNA……I am speechless. 1. What sort of conversation is Mr X on about? There are parts I cannot include for many reasons. 2. Mr X has a girlfriend and she has a name!

Inside my chest my myocardium contracts but do believe me that it was trained well by PAB in 2011/2012 so this contraction was a sort of weak one in comparison! Ah the joys of being single…NOT!

In tears as I write this listening to my newly found brilliant music artist Rebecca Ferguson ‘Nothings Real But Love’. And she’s right I’m with Rebecca in that nothing feels better than love, no money, no house, no car is like a love. And this is exactly me NOW!

(listening to Before The Worst by The Script)

I’m off for a break since I’m upset just like yesterday (I was going to burst out crying a good 4 times but refrained…but now its just me and I can vent! So be it! This is life! There’s the good, the bad and the ugly and this is the ugly for me since I liked you Mr X but you’re someone else’s………ANNAs). Having said that, should she ever Fedex you…contact me and I’ll be there for you! Hehehe

I’m back to base to finish off, get all yesterday out of my system, and continue living my life…come what may… I’m a strong girl; sensitive; funny; opinionated but kind – always and forever till death do me part!

(listening to This Is Love by Will.I.AM…it’s not actually but I love this song)

After spilling the beans Mr X asks for a hug and a kiss. This is it…this is the boy I liked in November. And there we were. In each others arms neither of us wanting to let go! Beautiful! Then I withdraw and he kisses me on both cheeks going a little too close to THE ZONE…but in keeping. We then stand there looking at each other, not uttering a word but completely understanding each other.

(listening to my recent favourite song Shoulder To Shoulder by Rebecca Ferguson)

Then I savour the last breadth of fresh air and tell him I’m going inside since I’m cold. But there is reluctance on his part. And he compliments me on my attire and closely inspects and curiously touches my Golden Point tights(purchased from The Mall, Dubai), knowing that this is the last time ever (till ANNA decides to pack, leave and never return…please do… I’m joking as if…I wish you both the best…NOT AS IF…hehe) me and him, him and me in this world, which is NICE especially after my eventful work day at hospital (GVZ knows the details of that…only you GVZ!).

(listening to Leave Right Now by Will Young…lyrics is me yesterday with Mr X)

And obeying Will Young I inform him that I’m entering and he comes straight after me. Before I open the door I look at him and our eyes just say ok that was nice etc but now as soon as I open the door we head back to our worlds. Not bad worlds but not with that magic of us outside the bar’s front door, as if the world stopped spinning since our stratospheres merge with ease, understanding, accepting, gentle, forgiving, our English…but I open the door and ITS ALL GONE.

I reunite with my gfs and he starts looking for me since I had sneaked behind him to grab a stool. As I see him in my view searching for me my impulse just wanted to go to him but I’m 33 now and I don’t.

(listening to Dilemma by Kelly Rowland)

Dilemma yes. But I stay put. He then sees me and there is relief. But I back off, I will always respect the fact that he is TAKEN. I’m brought up with principles and values (unfortunately because I really do like him!) but I totally back off and mingle instead. As he follows suit we do look at each other and end up talking to each other again cause we just like each other.

Ok so I decide to tell my girls to make a move but he wouldn’t hear of it. He offers drinks to all of us, so we stay and I know and he knows, that we do not want the Friday night (or should I correct this and write early morning hours of Saturday) to end, because this is the last time to be what we can never be (at least as matters stand). As he told me earlier I shouldn’t be ‘ruota di scorta’…NO Mr X…WE ARE AGREEING ON THAT AT LEAST…HEHE!

Drinks downed and he gets angry at me cause I was calling him. I cannot comprehend where that was coming from but hey its ok he can be angry with me cause there is a mutual agreement that we can just be us. No filters…no holding back…nothing of nothing and this is also what we were, we are and we’ll be.

(listening to Shot For Me by Drake…so so in keeping with the theme)

Ok so we make a move. I ensure my gfs are sorted and two come with me. Now here is the surprise! I wear my jacket, say bye to all including Mr X but he doesn’t acknowledge me whilst saying his byes to all. TO ALL EXCEPT ME. WHATEVER MR X!  I leave and to my surprise the person following me up the stairs in close proximity is not whom I expected, JC (another of my cherished gfs) but him. We exit the bar and I just keep on walking heading towards my car (JC knows where my car is parked anyway). Then out of nowhere he grabs me and asks me if I can be kind enough to drive him to his car. I accept with no hesitation. Having said that, this is not in keeping with his behaviour. Fine. I hurry to my car maintaining a fast pace so I’m in front of him cause by now I don’t feel I can restrain myself anymore. I know he’s taken – but girls I like him, I like him a real lot! Hehehe. We get to the car and he asks if he can sit in front near me rather than at the back since I had inadvertently opened the back door behind the driver wide open. Logic tells me that since I’m just giving him a lift to his car parked really close by(by the way) let JC sit in front. But anyway I give in and there we are sitting in my car waiting for JC and another guy to come. And again magic. Nothing is said. Just us.

(Listening to We Belong Together by Mariah Carey…uhhhh…now were asking for trouble…but WHO CARES…I DIDN’T ANYMORE!)

Whilst waiting for JC we talk, we laugh, we look at each other, we joke…then back to reality JC and GO arrive. And we drive off…BLISS…I LOVE DRIVING…AND WITH HIM IN CLOSE PROXIMITY (literary…since he somehow was too close…now ok I know my car is no BM but its not tiny either). Anyway he gently directs me through the streets of Valletta and as JC and GO speak we are lost again in our world with fab music in MY CAR!

He tells me that it’s fine if I stop him here (both him and I can’t take it anymore, all the more my 6am alarm time approaches for me to head to work). But I tell him it’s no prob for me to take him exactly where his car is. So we do. Then he says bye to JC and GO. Then grabs me close, kisses me and says ‘Thanks Babe’. THE END. I cry. JC and GO are busy with each other thank god but I’m broken. I get home. Need another break.

The sadness is there. No one of my gfs knows yet since I’ll be seeing them in the afternoon when I’m done from work. Till then as I listen to Save The Best For Last by Vanessa Williams (same song I heard as I drove to work)…wishing that some silly girl will set you free, you’re TAKEN but one thing you can be certain of…is that there is this girl (me) who truly likes you! X X X

P.S. Although I get home at 5am and my alarm will ring at 6am to go to work…I go on Facebook to carry out my investigation…and there she is…she seems nice but SHE AIN’T ME MR X…PITY!