GVZ doesn’t turn up despite my numerous text messages…but this time unlike the past there was not one single text claiming SOS…and I’m close to GVZ, so close that when I’m rotten she’s my first on the list to come rescue me and amidst being a busy career girl and being married she responds under 0.1 of a second. The best you are GVZ and you know it!
But CG turns up. Me and CB fill her that my Mr Ex is behind me but that I’m ok and we don’t need to leave. The night turns out to be a good one. WHY??
- I felt nothing…not good…not bad…simply nothing. Now this came as a surprise to me and my friends (because it was obviously the topic of the day on Sunday) since I never realised or knew I was truly over him…but I was!
- As he was passing by me to go to the bathroom, buy drinks etc he kept smiling. Now people who know our break-up know that: Break-ups are nasty but ours OMG………I don’t wish it to my worst enemy! So smiling was not in keeping with our random encounters post 30.6.12 at all. Then he came to say hi and I responded…not in my usual warm way with anyone I meet…composed…aloof…calm…weighing my words well (something I never do!)…and thinking of all the things I wanted to ask him since he left me that I wanted to know. Nothing to do with the break up really but like Season 1 Episode 7 type of thing. And there I was asking him if I could ask him a question. He did look scared since he knows that I am one of the most outspoken girls he has ever met in his 26 year existence on planet earth. And yes his friends and my CB were keeping a close eye on us just in case. But all I asked him regarded his doctorate and he was relieved and answered to boredom.
So there they were…the boy and girl who met each other by chance at Marrakech Nightclub, Rabat on 20.8.11. I was swept off my feet literary since I had collapsed that night. It was a hot summer’s night, crowded, I was dehydrated, not feeling too well and I had just met my Mr Perfect…I didn’t know what he was saying as he asked for my name etc but I liked him…I dare say I loved him from the second my eyes caught him from the corner of my eyes as I was conversing with some of my hospital colleagues. To me that night was magical, still is, and will always be, a year down the line. The rest is Clarissa and him history.
But NOW it’s Clarissa and the EX, being swept off in neither direction. I have come a long way since I was crying at Exiles when I had met his friends soon after the 30th June but I’m there. I kept standing on my feet, talking, joking, laughing, and mingling as if he was not there. NOW STOP A SECOND. You know what girls, I miss the fact that I don’t miss him anymore or feel anything anymore…WHY?…because that Saturday night at City I realised what I thought would never happen I was OVER being OVER my EX! (listen to Christina Novelli ‘Concrete Angel’ Acoustic Version – BRILLIANT track!)
So now it’s me and me, no more we, us etc. It’s me, myself and I. Never wanted to be so since I may never like, love, want, need, crave a bf so much – “but you gave up on me and us and you wanted to ‘explore other relationships’. So on that Saturday I was broken, I cried, I spoke to you in the car and then died inside when I had realised that you were gone since you were obviously not answering me as I drove in the car from a wedding to Marrakech”. But I accepted it and cried with sadness so deep inside that even the photos of me during that period reflected that something was up or down should I say hehehehe.
As us girls were discussing my break-up at City – the worst thing was not seeing it coming – so 30th June shocked me to the bone and deeper. But yes it happened and as a friend of my ex had once told me ‘Break ups happen to the very best’. Not that I thought my relationship was the best but I liked it, nurtured it, worked at it, lost myself in it, loved it, fought for it, sacrificed for it, craved for it, needed it, spent money on it, lost sleep on it, closed an eye and two and more for it etc etc. But he didn’t. As I always tell my gfs etc don’t worry about your relationship, mine ended because he didn’t want it anymore and moved away from it. Nothing else. I have gone back ad nauseaum to try to decipher what actually went wrong. And my investigation was exhaustive girls like only I know how hehehe. I did a post mortem by myself, with my close friends, with my family, with his friends that were close to me, with strangers, with him etc etc and there didn’t seem any answer/s to my WHYs. 7 months post 30.6.12 my understanding is that he wanted to opt out. He was the one who wanted long-term (he use to tell people) and I bought it and swallowed it and believed it. He wanted me to sleep over and I loved it. I was GAME, I loved him, I liked him, I liked the way we dazzled when we were all pinned up. He was my MR HANDSOME and my MR RESEARCHER and I felt privileged that I was his GF (it was one of my status updates on Facebook back in my golden 2011/2012 era).
Now I have to stop writing since I’m on the verge of tears and I cannot go there…so I have to end this article (to your relief hehehehe). “2011/2012 were the best and THANK YOU for choosing me, liking me, loving me, taking care of me, supporting my career, pampering me, travelling with me, cooking for me, drying up my tears, calling me, texting me, fighting with me in a gentle way, finishing 3 times with me and then missing me, dedicating your doctorate to me, wanting me, lusting for me, needing me, being there for me, hugging me like only you have done to me in my 33-year existence, kissing me like there was no tomorrow whenever, wherever etc, making me a happy girl, singing to me before we slept, for the multitude of movies we watched together and you’d get bugged when I would inadvertently sleep, for taking me with you everywhere except for once – a hens night (obviously), for making you part of your family, for all your patience (I know I’m a lot to handle but I never meant bad ever!), for laughing with me, for joking with me, for empowering me, for making me mindful, for teaching me a lot, for keeping me on my toes especially when I ate too much, for buying me gifts that cost you an arm and a leg and the rest of your body, for offering your limited space at home to accommodate me so we could become inseparable…etc etc THANK YOU FROM EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF MY MYOCARDIUM but now we’re done…no more crying, no more bickering, no more texting, no more emails, no more Facebook messages, no more hurting each other, no more of everything cause it did take me a while but I managed (with a lot of support but I managed and thank you GVZ for making my summer 2012 a fun one rather than a miserable one…eternally indebted!) BASTA! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!”
So my current favourite song is STAY by Rihanna. To my ex…this is what I had wanted to hear on that doomed Saturday morning 30.6.12 at 11.00 hrs but instead you helped me pack my stuff…just like The Script say in their song: Six Degrees of Separation ‘And the third, is when your world splits down the middle’…and yes it did and I cried and gasped for air with pain that I had to stop driving since my vision was too impaired. But girls January 2013 and I’m in a different place. It took a while but I’ve managed. He’s just a stranger with memories of me and me of him, but nothing else. It has been difficult but as always in life it’s TIME and a little inner strength and I’m honestly and truly OK NOW! YEPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!