IF LOVE ACTUALLY WERE BASED IN MALTA

My dear readers, it is with great pleasure and ecstatic joy that I inform you that a Love Actually sequel is on the way. You may all break into the Prime Minister’s victory dance. Love Actually had won our hearts back in 2003 and has been a Christmas staple for eight years. The bad news is that it’s only going to be a 10-minute catch up clip for Comic Relief. The good news is that IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING!!!

So, I got thinking and wondered how the Love Actually subplots would unfold had the story been based in Malta. Considering that all the characters’ lives overlap and everyone has mutual friends, I think that mystery’s solved already. So what about the rest?

If Billy Mack had been Maltese, his infamous swearing line would be way more colourful and blasphemous. And for every cheeky little antic on radio and television, you can expect a wave of ‘iiiiii x’arukaża!’

 

The nativity play would have been organised by the Mużew, and it certainly would not have had any lobsters or octopodes, and Karen would’ve sent her daughter to confession for suggesting that there was any kind of shellfish present at the birth of Jesus.

 

Joanna would’ve been played by Destiny Chukunyere, and we would’ve sent her straight off to the Junior Eurovision, and rightly so.

The Prime Minister would’ve had a doubly hard time trying to find Natalie, because for every door he’d knock on, he’d either be dragged inside with love and adoration, or have the door slammed in his face, depending on whether he’s Labour or Nationalist. And he’d probably ask in passing if he could count on their vote next year. Majt ez well ux, la qegħdin hawn.

 

 

If he got caught kissing a member of his staff, it would be all over Daphne and Glenn’s blogs. But he wouldn’t care, because there’s always time for a victory dance.

 

Natalie would be from Marsa, the dodgy end. And instead of chocolate biscuits, she’d get him two big fat pastizzi tal-piżelli or some biskuttini tal-lewż. Also, she’d scratch the President’s eyes out with her dwiefer the minute he got close to her. U mela żikk, sieħbi.

Mark would be a member of the Għaqda Patrijotti Maltin and would oppose Juliet from marrying Peter because of… um, political beliefs, which he’d express through cue cards over a recording of Ninni La Tibkix Iżjed. Bit of a plot twist from my part here.

 

Nobody would actually say ‘Merry Christmas’. Everyone would just stick to ‘All dij best’.

 

Jamie would find solace in a farmhouse in Gozo, and he’d have as much difficulty trying to understand the natives. Also, this is how I’d picture the scene to pan out:

Aurelia’s village would have behaved exactly the same way if they were Maltese, wild-fire rumours and all, and her sister would have been Miss Hawn Tad-Doughnuts 2003.

Alan and Karen would do their Christmas shopping in Valletta or at the Point, and Alan would’ve made sure he’d cut Rowan Atkinson’s routine short.

 

Are you looking forward to the Love Actually mini sequel?

Let us know in the comments section below.