Ah, the New Year. Like a fresh notebook at the start of term, 2017 brings with it the promise of a shiny, new you, poised for success and filled with renewed energy and a zest for life.


Well, sort of. While some of us are unusually gifted in the art of sticking to overly optimistic New Year’s resolutions, the rest of us just can’t help but wait for the glorious (and inevitable) collapse of said promises. If you’re the former – well done! If you’re the latter – darling, we’re here for you. Here’s a closer look at the decay of our much loved ‘New Year, New Me’ mantra.

Unbridled Optimism


You’ve just decided on your New Year’s resolutions, and you’re feeling pretty good. 2017 is your year, you’re going to kill it like the kaċċaturi do. Figuratively, that is. Without hurting any little birds.

Pride and Determination


You’re eating right, hitting the gym, studying more, and procrastinating less (among other things) – and you’re proud as hell. You should be! As that creepy guy on Facebook would say, keep it up swijt.

The Relapse and Recovery


Whoops! You’ve slipped, but that’s okay. Wipe the chocolatey guilt off your face, pick up your gym bag, or sign out of that PayPal account of yours, because you’re not throwing in the towel yet! Think Rocky Balboa, and Eye of the Tiger your way through it. You’re back in the game.

Total Denial


This is just a hiccup, right? A glitch in the Matrix. Deny, deny, deny. So what if you’ve binged on 26 episodes of Gilmore Girls? It was a tough week, and you deserved a little ‘me’ time. 26 episodes of it, in fact.

Crippling Despair


Why are you like this?! How will you ever be rich and successful? PANIC! Chaos!

Blissful Acceptance


After you’ve gone through the cathartic experience in Stage 5, you’ll come to the calming realisation that you’ll survive after all. You know what – there’s always next year. You’re already fabulous anyway. Treat yourself.