IF HYACINTH BUCKET WERE MALTESE

In February 2016, the BBC had confirmed that Keeping Up Appearances has so far been the most popular overseas show for the broadcasting service; audiences relate to it because everyone knows a Hyacinth Bucket. And possibly, no other nation has an abundance of Hyacinths more than Malta does.

Imagine if we plucked Mrs Bouquet and her kin out of the Northern suburbs of the UK and planted her here on this isle…

Firstly, she’d reside in the respectable town of Attard in a house called Cherry Blossom, right on the cusp of Ħal Balzan, making sure that everyone knows that Her Excellency Marie Louise Coleiro Preca is her neighbour…

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She’ll probably make Richard drive back and forth in front of San Anton Palace, in order to bump into Her Excellency and invite her to one of her candlelight suppers. But then again, she might just as well start getting competitive over their sense of style…

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She’d also have a summer house in High Ridge, where she’d often host outdoors indoors luxury barbecues with finger buffet, but it would be nowhere near as grand as Violet’s villa in Santa Maria Estates with her Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony.

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She’d have a white slim-line telephone with automatic redial provided by Melita, whose representatives quake in the knees upon reaching her for customer support…

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… especially if she’s complaining about being mistaken for a Chinese takeaway.

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She’d still be just as house proud, with her Royal Doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles bought from Palazzo Parisio. Although, we do suspect that like the upper-class of Malta, she’ll make sure she gets herself a Philippina. And now, she’ll be able to have a look through other people’s washing on the roof, and if she comes across any plastic sofa covers, you know she’ll be giving you this face of distaste:

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Actually, she’ll be giving that face to a number of things, such as festi, pastizzi, the buses, names like Xanaja and Shenizienne, people who vote Labour…

Onslow, Daisy and Rose would live in the South, and she’d be just as terrified to visit them.

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Also, Onslow’s TV would have been bought from the monti.

 

She won’t be very welcoming about Emmet’s divorce, as she’d have probably voted against it.

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However, upon hearing that Emmet is a musical director, she’ll be heading straight to the MADC to try out for their latest Shakespeare at San Anton Palace, reminding everyone that she’s neighbours with Her Excellency.

 

She’ll be just as overbearing and interfering as many Maltese matriarchs…

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… But Sheridan, whom she sent to St Aloysius or San Andrea from infancy, can still do no wrong in mummy’s eyes, and he’ll probably still be living with her till the age of 35.

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Just like his British counterpart, the Maltese Richard would also work mal-gvern, but he’s still forceful and executive in Hyacinth’s eyes.

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Would Hyacinth attempt a waterside supper with riparian entertainments at Chadwick Lakes? 

Let us know in the comment section below.

What would it have been like for Edina and Patsy?