HOW TO AVOID THE TRAP OF HEARTBREAK AND BROKEN DREAMS

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I hear it again and again. “I finally met a wonderful man/woman but he/she left me or was being intimate with another person. My heart is broken again. I’m going to keep a low profile. I’ll never trust anyone again.”

People are already damaged from the failure of previous relationships. Not only that, but many are scarred from childhood experiences, broken homes, mental and physical abuse, and many other reasons. On the positive side, many recover and are leading normal lives, finally looking for or open to find love. It takes time to get through the grieving. When the time is right, and they’ve dealt with at least some of their issues through personal or professional support or by indulging in a social activity such as a sport or culture, love becomes possible again. Time is a great healer, but the subconscious stores those memories, and they can be triggered again, even by a piece of music, if they’re not dealt with and left behind.

Of course, a few jump from one broken relationship into the arms of the first person they meet, fearing to be alone. That rarely works, and is usually a repetition of previous mistakes.  Whichever path is taken, a crossroads is eventually reached and someone attractive steps into their life.

This can result in a walk, dinner, cinema, concert, or just hanging out from time to time, and sometimes sexual intimacy. In the imagination, this can be a wonderful start to a new relationship. Assumptions are made. “He/she feels the same way I do. This is going somewhere.”

But what of the $64 million question? What is he/she thinking?

If we don’t communicate and discuss our intentions and hopes honestly and openly, we won’t know. Your expectation is that you’re the only one for him/her. But what is his/her expectation? Quite possibly, it’s not the same. The sharing of time and even sexual intimacy is a beautiful experience. One of my spiritual teachers had once told me, “Until you find the right person for you, enjoy the journey. Smell the roses on the way.” I agree with her advice, but breaking hearts is not the intention. We don’t have to close down and avoid life.

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But the point is honest communication. Agree that you are just friends for now. Have sex with people you like but both people should be very clear and honest with the other about the expectations and never make assumptions.

If nothing is said, then assume that this is not a step towards a wonderful future together, but just a fun experience for both people. That step may come later.

There is another issue to mention. The psychopaths and narcissists who prey on women and have no care for anyone but themselves. Sadly there are many of these men, as I hear first-hand from their victims. That’s a topic for another article. This is another reason to discuss and not to assume.

People walk away from a situation without saying anything, or end a relationship with an SMS message because they don’t have the courage to be honest to the other person, or to explain why. It may be that they fear commitment or that the person is not the right person for him/her, or they don’t want to upset the person. This culture damages people. They need honesty to help them close their connection and to move on, and often don’t get it.

So to the lady whose heart is broken because the new man was also meeting another woman, or to the woman whose man just didn’t call again, or to the man who was told many times by the woman that she would leave her unhappy situation and come to you, you ignored the golden rule. No expectations – No disappointments. Assume nothing. Discuss everything honestly.

 

More from Eve: Five signs you’re not over your ex

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