A TOXIC SITUATION

troubled-couple-square

Dear Love Guru,

I’m basically just a wreck over a situation with a guy I was seeing. We started going out 4 months ago and everything was going great. We messaged everyday and began texting and snap chatting and we went on a few dates, all of which went very well. I felt really happy with him.

However, because I have such a low self-esteem when it comes to guys, I kept convincing myself he didn’t like me and that he would lose interest just like all my other exes did. And so, because of my attitude, I ruined our relationship. I accused him of doing something he didn’t do and it ruined us. Three days later after we stopped talking and ended things, he was in a car crash with his 3 best mates, all who gruesomely died except for him. He’s alive and well without any sort of injury, though he has now been left with emotional scars.

I messaged him when this happened saying I was deeply sorry and that I apologised for wrongly accusing him. I told him I still have feelings for him and wanted to clear the air. It didn’t go as planned because he ignored me at first, as he was so hurt about what I had done. However, we eventually added each other back on Instagram and Facebook.

Before we dated, he’d get my attention by liking my stuff. This kept him on my mind, and he went back to this tactic again. He was liking everything I posted, even things from months back. He messaged me saying he missed me and was sorry. He said he had feelings for me – this was a big thing for him as he isn’t very open – and that he wanted to start over. But then just like that, he snapped and got nasty again, saying he doesn’t even think about me.

He didn’t make any effort to say sorry when I confronted him about calling me a slut when he saw me kiss a guy at a party. A month has gone by since this incident, and I saw him at a party and we both kept looking at each other, especially when either of us was cuddling up to someone. Recently, we added each other back on Facebook and Instagram. He’s not the type to like things on Facebook because he prefers that others break the ice first. Yet, he was at it again. I received a notification that he had commented on the same funny video I had done and he had commented about a girl on it.

People keep telling me that before the accident, he would always talk about me to his mates saying how much he liked me and how excited he was about taking me out. He had made statuses expressing this and people said that he isn’t the type to ever take girls out on dates, so it was a massive deal. And now that this traumatic event has happened he is very depressed and from what his sister has said, he’s now “f***** up” because he’s witnessed the three dead bodies of his three best friends.

I’ve tried so hard to move on and let go of my feelings for him, but I just can’t. I haven’t felt this way about a guy since my ex last year and I just can’t seem to let go, especially when he does things like that on Facebook, when he knows it will bother me. My friends are sick of me talking about it, but I can’t stop. I like him so much and I want him back, but I don’t even know if he wants me back either.

 

Dear Anon,

This person has obviously touched you deeply, perhaps more so because you know that the relationship fizzled out and died due to a mistake on your part. You rightly fear that the person you like has still not really forgiven you and that is understandable, however try also to put yourself in his shoes.

First, his girlfriend shows she does not trust him, and then he loses three people he deeply cares about, not to mention being involved in the accident himself. This is a difficult and serious event which has probably changed him as a person, and which has made him reflect on life. Perhaps he’s realising how precious life is yet so very easy to lose those who are a part of it.

It is because of this perhaps, that he is afraid to trust again. It could be that his brush with death has made him wary of getting close to others for fear that he might lose them. This, coupled with the previous breach of trust, has made him fear sharing a relationship with you again all the more. And yet, as you said, he continues sending various signals that show that he is still interested in you. He is confused, wanting one thing at one moment, and then the opposite at the next.

I believe in this case, honesty would be the best policy. Why don’t you ask this guy to meet up over a coffee, or somewhere pleasant where you can talk candidly and perhaps understand each other better? You seem to be meeting him randomly in clubs, which is surely not a great way to communicate. It would be better to talk in a calm environment, where he may feel more comfortable opening up, not only to you, but also to himself. You need to be clear on how his mixed signals are affecting you, and tell him how you feel, asking him what he wants and needs at this point in his life. Maybe he’s not ready for a relationship, for reasons which have nothing to do with you. But, he will feel better and more prepared in the future. Then again, maybe not.

He called you a ‘slut’ when he saw you starting something with someone else, and yet he still says he doesn’t want a relationship with you. This is very unfair on you, as you cannot wait for him forever. A decision needs to be made, and the air needs to be cleared between you.

I hope all goes well.

The Love Guru