HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT TOPLESS BATHING?

Yes, it’s a pair of titties getting some fresh air, similar to the ones you were nursed with, have on your chest, or have jerked off to. Can we move on now?

I was recently at Għadira Bay soaking up some much-needed sun when all of a sudden, I heard someone gasp. The sudden intake of air was so dramatic, so heartfelt, that I genuinely thought a shark had just bitten someone’s leg off, or a UFO had been spotted in the distance.

So I sat up, took off my sunglasses and looked around. I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Just people sunbathing, swimming and stuffing their faces with ħobż biż-żejt.

Then I heard it – a pearl of wisdom dribbling out of a middle-aged mother’s mouth.

‘X’għarukaża dawn it-turisti. Jaħsbu li kullimkien tagħhom! Qas tistħi b’sidirha barra. Sheldon, ejja l’hawn!’ (‘Shame on these tourists. They think they own the place. She’s got a nerve being topless! Sheldon, come here.’)

Sheldon turned out to be a young boy. And, apparently, he was going to be eaten by a pair of tits that were not wrapped up in a bikini top.

Seriously lady, we are all born with our own bits. I have a vagina and two nipples; men have a willy and two nipples. This woman wasn’t having sex on the beach. She wasn’t playing with her bongas or juggling them about. She was sunbathing in peace. YES, I know it’s illegal. YES, it shouldn’t be done since it’s illegal. But to be scandalised by a pair of nipples is nonsensical… After all, many other women were about to spill out of their bikinis and they didn’t seem to bother you.

Topless

 

Right after that, another pearl of wisdom came from the crone next to her.

Din x’taħseb li hi? Għala ma tmurx lura f’pajjiżha… U qas li tgħid għandha xi par sbieħ.’ (‘Who does she think she is? Why doesn’t she go back to her country? It’s not like she’s got a nice pair.’)

Oh, is that how it works? Is it okay for a woman to be topless if she has nice tits, but not if they’re sagging or imperfect? Why do women hate on each other in this way? Can’t we see that when we bitch about each other and about things like this, we’re essentially telling men, ‘Yes, please continue to subjugate us. Why would we want to free our nipples?’

And the final comment that incredibly irked me came from a young man, probably in his early 20s.

Il-li*a dik kif inxeħtitlu – kemm hi qa*ba!’ (‘Look at her lying there… What a slut!’)

I mean. You’ve just come out of your mum’s vag, little boy. Take a seat and shut the hell up. Why would you call a woman a slut just because she doesn’t conform to your idea of decency?

Realistically, no one can stop these people from looking and commenting. Just like you can look at me while I sunbathe or walk, you can look at a woman while her breasts are out. But it doesn’t give you the right to be a chauvinist pig, either.

Ultimately, being topless in public is illegal in Malta – but only for women, because extra glands and fat in the chest area are an arrestable offence – quite literally. But why? And why is it okay to verbally abuse someone just because she is showing her nipples? They’re the same as yours. Get over it.

Do you agree with Evelyn?

Let us know in the comments section below.