Stuck Between Two Lovers

Message from Elena:

What happens when a girl still thinks about her ex-boyfriend, even though she is now with someone else and has been with him for the past four months?

When she and her ex-boyfriend talk, they talk about the great times they had and what they used to get up to. They both admit that they still love each other, but he says that “We can never happen again,” and ironically also says “I love you.” She still gets hurt by that. Yet, when she thinks about her current relationship, she enjoys being with this new boyfriend.

What should she do?

Dear Elena,

It is very common to look back at one’s past love and still remain attached to it, missing the closeness and wanting to go back to being so familiar with a special person is quite understandable. However, dwelling on the past and living in it are two different things. Living in the past and remaining attached to something which can never happen again, (your ex seems pretty sure on the matter) is not healthy and not only contributes to making you sad, but is also unfair to your new boyfriend.

How can you really give your all to be part of a new relationship, if you are still dreaming about your old one and if, as you say, you are still in love with him? Ask yourself this – are you in love with your current boyfriend? Do you think you would even consider or imagine being with anyone else, if you really were?

The first few months in a relationship are usually the ones most filled with passion, enthusiasm and desire to get to know the new person, yet you seem to be more interested in reliving past experiences with someone else.

I do not know whether your previous relationship was a long one, but it seems to have been very intense. Since your ex seems to have made it quite clear that it could never happen again, dwelling on it and asking him to try again and again is just torture.

The best way to get over something, is usually to cut a clear line. If your ex does not want you back, and you really want to start a new page, stop messaging and contacting him, and throw yourself really and fully into a new life where you can be happy without him.

Regarding the ‘new’ boyfriend – no relationship can be built on dishonesty and lies. Does he know you are still in contact with your ex? The best thing would be to come clean and tell him that it was a difficult breakup, but that you are fully ready to cut your ties with the past, and commit to him only from now on.

If you are unable to do that, maybe the best thing would be to stop focusing on your ex, stop focusing on any new boyfriend, and start focusing on yourself. It could probably be that you have rushed into another relationship far too quickly. You may still need time to adjust and come to terms with yourself as a person, before venturing further into a relationship.

Good Luck!