Commitment!

© Peter Schiazza/Corbis

For some, COMMITMENT is a step too far. Relationships are good, sex is good, then the man (usually) or sometimes the woman runs a mile when the partner wants to “make it permanent”. It does not matter whether they are now living together or not.

The other does not understand why. The issue is usually about the one unable to commit. There can be various reasons. They do not communicate their deep feelings.

Let’s stick to saying that the man has difficulty to commit to a relationship.  He thinks, “the present arrangement is great for now but I don’t see it lasting forever.” She, on the other hand thinks, “we are getting on so well that this is the one for life.” They never discuss what each wants. He does not see her as the mother of his children, or the support he needs for his career.

Even if they can communicate openly and honestly, it seems like the jail door is about to be closed, and freedom taken away. Many fears are triggered, which relate to each individual, not to the partnership.

Perhaps she is already in a non-functioning relationship, no sex, no intimacy, mental abuse or physical abuse.  She has now found a man who at last makes her feel like a woman, and makes her feel fulfilled. She said many times that this new relationship is perfect, but will not leave where she is now, for him.  The timing is wrong, she is not ready, or she justifies her unfulfilling situation by acceptance of what does not work, saying there are major things missing, but she accepts the package, the compromise.

“But I still love him”, she tells herself… well of course you love him, but he is not what you need. You heart tells you, but your mind won’t allow you to move on.

The married man who tells the lover that he will leave his wife for her, probably never will, but there are exceptions.

None will make a commitment, despite what they say, and feel.

Timing is one factor and staying in the comfort zone, however much discomfort there is. There are other priorities, or factors such as responsibilities or money which keep getting in the way.

Indecision – He just can’t make his mind up, but she wants to be with him. Some people just don’t make a decision about anything.

“Why am I with this person anyway? We were both free and drifted together,” or there was some huge physical attraction, which time showed was not matched by ongoing emotional attraction, or shared dreams and desires.

And where there are just the two people, fear stops them from making the commitment.

What to do? It depends on the circumstances, but the most important is to communicate. Can you both open up and be totally honest, or is something blocking this? The problem may be indecision.

But lack of commitment is a visible “tip of the iceberg” symptom of a deep-seated fear or scar.

Are you ready to open up and face these issues, once and for all?

Is it that one is just not willing to give up freedom, or to move from some unfulfilling or abusive situation?  Or that some real issues need to be addressed. Until they are addressed, the same reasons will hold back commitment with any potential future partners, too.

Perhaps it is necessary to seek help, guidance and coaching.

Commitment is a real barrier to some. So deal with it.

There are a growing number of single women and men who are enjoying freedom, having fun, who don’t want to date, or consider a relationship. They don’t want to commit to anyone but themselves. That, however, is another topic.