Paranoid About Boyfriend’s Sexual Past

© PENELOPE PEZ

I am getting paranoid about my boyfriend’s past sexual relationships. However, when I got into this relationship I wanted him so badly that I didn’t even care what others think. I’ve been with him for 4 years. I met him when I was 16 years old and he’s 7 years older than me. 

Dear Chiara,

I don’t have much to go on here but it seems that his past is starting to affect you in a negative way. That you “didn’t even care what others think” seems to imply he and/or you were doing something frowned upon by society. Whether he was married and committing adultery with you and others, a nymphomaniac, a player, an adult film actor, or simply a man who has had other intimate relationships before starting one with you – I don’t know, however, why is this past of his affecting you now, after four years together?

Is it something you may have been insensitive to at 16 but at 20 it is pricking your conscience? If this is the case, then it’s an issue of forgiveness. The past belongs in the past and what may seem ‘wrong’ may very well be just right in the grand scheme of things, so being aware and emotionally mature enough to recognise this is remarkable and an achievement in its own right, however, practising self-love and accepting yourself, weaknesses included, is the way forward.

If it’s an issue of passion taking over, making you act irrationally and out of character, and now you see your partner for who he really is… to be fair, you seem to have known all along what he had been up to. If, as you’ve grown older, you’ve developed certain values which clash with who your partner is at the moment – you may need to re-evaluate your relationship, see what you can compromise on and what is an absolute ‘no’ for you.

If it is a matter of you feeling insecure because of his sexual history or experience… what brought it on? Is he being critical or comparing you to others? What would this say about him, his character traits? Is it you being envious or jealous that he had other partners other than you? Then what does this say about your needs? Can you find a way to overcome them or must you fullfill them to be happy? Is it something you’ve discussed with him so that he might get the chance to soothe your anxiety? Are you being reasonable?

I’ve created different scenarios, shooting in the dark with the hope of bringing some clarity to your situation. Whether I’ve hit on a truth or not, one thing is clear – make a decision to move forward serenely. This might mean finding a way to accept the past as a part of his and your life or deciding that it is something you cannot live with, or it’s undesirable in the future you wish for yourself. Having inner peace is what’s most important and how to achieve it is uniquely up to you.

What’s your opinion?  Comment in the box below.