Just For Sex

Hi, I’m in my early 40s, separated with two kids. Up to now I had no time to date as I was busy raising kids properly on my own. Now that they are reaching their teens, I’ve started looking for a serious boyfriend with whom I can spend the rest of my life with. I’ve always taken good care of myself and therefore I am fit and look much younger than my age. Now this is what is happening to me – I keep meeting men my age or slightly younger who are only interested in having sex. They rarely state the truth because obviously they are either witty or embarrassed to admit it. They invite me out for dinner and afterwards they insist on paying. After paying they feel that they own me and that now they have the right to have sex! This is not right because my body is priceless and worth much more than the price of a dinner. Anyway to cut a long story short, the only men whom I’ve met and who were interested in a long-term relationship were not really my type, ugly, fat or still living with parents! In my opinion, the good-looking and interesting ones can be put in the category of ‘just for sex’. Is this just my problem and what shall I do?

Dear Calliope,

No it is not just you! This is an age-old story. 40 years ago Erica Jong coined the phrase “the zipless fuck” in her book ‘Fear of Flying‘ were the heroine Isadora Wing is searching for the perfect one-night stand – and by the way, Jong, several years later, claimed in an interview that no such thing exists and the best sex of her life was with people she knew with whom she had a connection with. While Anais Nin’s character, Sabine, in ‘A Spy In The House Of Love‘ felt liberated like a man to have achieved intimacy without emotional attachment or ‘warmth of the heart’.

Different people go through different phases in their lives – your job is to avoid the ones that do not resonate with your needs which includes more than just sex. You may have heard that like attracts like, and there may be a reason why you are attracting men with closed heart energies (defence mechanism). So working on your personal healing may help to achieve the kind of relationship you desire. However, on a more tangible level, I personally happen to think that we live in a society were not enough attention is paid to emotional growth and there are a lot of lost souls about, not to mention the mainstream distorted image of sexuality that consumerism promotes.

A practical solution to your ‘problem’ would be to widen your circle of friends and acquaintances, be open to new experiences and focus on enjoying yourself doing activities you love. You needn’t meet potential partners in bars and night clubs, or at night either for that matter. Find satisfaction in pleasing yourself first and foremost and you will be more likely to attract your kind of guy.