Just Friends

Hi again,

It’s Belle again!! I would like to thank you for the previous message! Again, I’m stuck!! I never gave a man hard time. But now I need to!! I met someone a few years ago who was in a relationship at that time. A few months ago he started talking to me again! I was shocked and pleased. Everyday he calls me to wake me up, etc, he is like my man! We go out together week after week! We did have sex after some time!! But I still go out with other men just for fun, obviously, I don’t go in too deep, just a kiss! But I feel guilty, selfish and angry with myself! You are asking why? Because I am in love with my buddy and I don’t want to fall in love with him! I don’t want myself to fall for him! I want him to do so! How am I going to give him a hard time? I feel angry with myself because I don’t know how to stay strong and now I have to or else I will be hurt!

Thanks.

Warm Regards, Belle

Dear Belle,

You are very welcome. Regarding this new situation… why do you think you will be hurt? Is it your past experiences effecting new ones, difficult circumstances within this relationship or your gut feeling warning you to watch out? Why do you feel that you need to play games with this man or else you’d get hurt? Is it his personalty setting off alarm bells in your head? It is worth searching within yourself for answers to these questions.

Playing games might work for some people in the short term, but reality will usually rear its head after a while and get you crashing back to earth with a bang. And then it will be painful.

It is natural for your feelings to grow for someone you’re spending time with and with whom you are intimate. From what I can understand, you would like him to return these feelings but you are keeping your options open just in case he won’t. It is not a bad idea really if you have not agreed to be mutually exclusive. But it is important not to make assumptions. It’s best to find the right time to talk about this with him so that neither of you will get hurt and expectations will be clear to the both of you. Being yourself is always your best bet, otherwise when the mask comes down so will his opinion of you.

There is a difference between being “strong” by setting your boundaries so you don’t get hurt and strength in the courage it takes to make yourself vulnerable by opening your heart when you’re in love. Only you can decide what you want, what risks you’re willing to take and when to take them. I believe it is better to know where you stand so that you can either take your relationship to a new level or lick your wounds, pick yourself up and move on to someone else who can satisfy you and make you happy.

Good luck!