Confused…

Dear LoveGuru,

I am in a relationship (4 years to date). He is the first man that I have been intimate with. He loves me and will do anything for me. I love his company, his sense of humour and I love him… but sometimes I doubt myself if I really love him. I don’t see myself without him in my life. Our sex life is quite good but I am craving that spark we had during the first months of our relationship. What can I do :( ?

Yours truly, Lola

Dear Lola,

I can sympathise with your dilemma. You have a great guy who loves and respects you – and the feeling is mutual from what I understand – however, you are feeling restless and maybe guilty too for feeling this way. Take comfort in the fact that it is only natural for these thoughts to cross your mind and it is wise to recognise and listen to your feelings.

As your partner is your first lover, you may be curious about what’s out there, if you’re missing anything and you have nothing to compare with.

The reality is that some relationships are meant to last forever, while some people are meant to come into our lives for a while to give us experiences we needed to learn from, and then move on to where your life’s purpose leads you, keeping within you the love and lessons you learnt along the way.

We’ve all heard that you have to work at a relationship once the honeymoon period is over. The strength of the connection peaks and dips in cycles. You have to decide whether this dip you are experiencing is a temporary glitch or whether it is more serious. You say you cannot imagine your life without him, which is a pretty good guide.

The hormones that are activated when first falling in love (sparkly eyes, butterflies, etc) give way to a different set of hormones that promote well being and contentedness when in a healthy relationship. 

You can try to recreate the feeling of falling in love, if that is what you desire, by remembering what drew you to your partner in the first place, places you visited during your first dates, spicing up your sex life, going away for a romantic break, doing things you both enjoy together, etc. 

Also, going out with the girls and doing your own thing might be helpful in helping you find your own feet and regaining your independence if that’s what you feel is missing. You’ll go back to your partner as a more interesting person as you recharge your personality.

Listen to your intuition, your inner voice. Keeping a journal will be helpful to sort out your feelings, especially when you write first thing in the morning as soon as you wake up, before communicating with others and the outside world.

Good luck and I hope you’ll soon find the clarity you’re seeking.

The Love Guru